Bearcat Bob
12-13-2008, 11:44 AM
Given the lull in news right now on this side of the Bearcat fence and because you demanded it (yes, THAT drunk guy over there).... here is my vent on the Best and Worst heard on the AM airwaves this Christmas. Feel free to add your own.
As we know, Christmas music is right up there with cry-in-your-beer Honkey Tonk, Gutter Rap, and Punk Spittle. And we know retailers feel they must play it to get us in the shopping mood. But do they realize they are driving us out of their stores with torture they dare not use at Guantonimo? Here is my short list of the very worst Christmas songs, which I hear every Christmas in supposedly reputable retail establishments. (And thank you Kay-Bee Toys for going to background pablum kids might like, but drives thier parents, with the money, crazy)....
"OH HOLY NIGHT" by Mariah Carey
The 6 octave diva is on full display. But honestly, is Christmas supposed to be this hard? Do we need to go for a 9.9 from the East German judge on every note? I find her 'stylings' on this to be torturous to listen to, wondering when she's gonna snap a vocal chord. And with all the oral gymnastics somehow, she still fails to give any true feeling to the music. It just becomes a selfish, look-at-me, empty exercise.
"THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY" Katerhine K. Davis
The popular standard which at one time I actually liked. But after a certain number of hearings, like a ticking bomb, it finally goes off in the 'I can't stand this anymore' part of your brain. At some point you realize this is basically the same 5 notes repeated endlessly about 500 times along with the monotonous droning of cloying lyrics followed by a bad verbal drum imitation (why not use a real drum?). It really has reached 'nail-on-the-chalkboard' status IMHO.
"A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME" by Paul McCartney
Anything by Paul has to be a pop classic, right. Nope. See anything by WINGS. I doubt w/o his name attached this would ever get any play. He must have written it on half a napkin in a hashish stupor. It's trite, juvenile, and maddenly repetitious lyrics and music. I've heard dozens of commercial jingles that exhibited less sophistry. Did I say it was repetitious? "Simmm-ply, wriiite-ing, a horrible Christmas song." Despite near the top of everyone's worst list, curiously a retail fave.
"IT'S CHRISTMAS?"
Despite tireless internet research, I haven't found the true title/author on this, but I guarantee you'll hear it in some store this year. It's kids singing some forgettably generic lyrics, punctuated by 'Oh-God-make-it-stop' endless sing-song choruses of "...it's Christmas". Started getting big time retail play a few years ago. Along this same line, anything with children singing (HIPPO FOR CHRISTMAS, MY TWO FRONT TEETH, etc.) is by definition, awful.
A much shorter Best List, or at least tolerable.
"LITTLE ALTER BOY" by the (don't laugh) Carpenters
It's not strictly about Christmas, but it was on one of their Christmas collections. And yes, despite her tragic end, Karen Carpenter is still the white No-Soul Simmons. All that said, this a-typical and very simple song, where she takes the role of a messed up bad girl asking for forgiveness (presumably at Chrismas) is something that is admittedly more touching than most of their commercial stuff. Plus I sympathise. She couldn't eat. I can't stop.
"A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS" Burl Ives
Okay, so it's not Simon and Garfunkel. At least it's snap happy w/o driving me crazy.
"A CHRISTMAS SONG" Mel Torme
Who could hate the 'Velvet Fog'. Again, listenable or at least ignorable. Ditto WHITE CHRISTMAS, WINTER WONDERLAND, and various others. Not so much Best, mostly under Christmas songs that don't suck.
This Season's Commercials
WORST - The new Blackberry. I haven't quite figured out what it is about this clod turning on a new BB and we hear his over-acted thoughts out loud how tremendous it is. I guess it just insults your intelligence more than most. If he was just telling someone else about it, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I dunno. But I find myself turning off the radio whenever it comes on.
Honarable mention, but it's been on for years..... "It can only be Jared". Jewelers. In which a female chorus hits a teeth clenching, ear popping, screeching note humanly impossible (except Mariah, who just MIGHT be an alien).
Thank goodness the casinos and Frisch's seem to have exhausted their ad budget this year. A thoughtful gift for all.
BEST - Again a much shorter list. Mike's Car Wash. The original snappy little tune with cute lyrics that never seems to get old for me. A painless way to extort money. Me Likey Mikey's Commercial..... I'll be okay. Two more weeks and it's OVER!
As we know, Christmas music is right up there with cry-in-your-beer Honkey Tonk, Gutter Rap, and Punk Spittle. And we know retailers feel they must play it to get us in the shopping mood. But do they realize they are driving us out of their stores with torture they dare not use at Guantonimo? Here is my short list of the very worst Christmas songs, which I hear every Christmas in supposedly reputable retail establishments. (And thank you Kay-Bee Toys for going to background pablum kids might like, but drives thier parents, with the money, crazy)....
"OH HOLY NIGHT" by Mariah Carey
The 6 octave diva is on full display. But honestly, is Christmas supposed to be this hard? Do we need to go for a 9.9 from the East German judge on every note? I find her 'stylings' on this to be torturous to listen to, wondering when she's gonna snap a vocal chord. And with all the oral gymnastics somehow, she still fails to give any true feeling to the music. It just becomes a selfish, look-at-me, empty exercise.
"THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY" Katerhine K. Davis
The popular standard which at one time I actually liked. But after a certain number of hearings, like a ticking bomb, it finally goes off in the 'I can't stand this anymore' part of your brain. At some point you realize this is basically the same 5 notes repeated endlessly about 500 times along with the monotonous droning of cloying lyrics followed by a bad verbal drum imitation (why not use a real drum?). It really has reached 'nail-on-the-chalkboard' status IMHO.
"A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME" by Paul McCartney
Anything by Paul has to be a pop classic, right. Nope. See anything by WINGS. I doubt w/o his name attached this would ever get any play. He must have written it on half a napkin in a hashish stupor. It's trite, juvenile, and maddenly repetitious lyrics and music. I've heard dozens of commercial jingles that exhibited less sophistry. Did I say it was repetitious? "Simmm-ply, wriiite-ing, a horrible Christmas song." Despite near the top of everyone's worst list, curiously a retail fave.
"IT'S CHRISTMAS?"
Despite tireless internet research, I haven't found the true title/author on this, but I guarantee you'll hear it in some store this year. It's kids singing some forgettably generic lyrics, punctuated by 'Oh-God-make-it-stop' endless sing-song choruses of "...it's Christmas". Started getting big time retail play a few years ago. Along this same line, anything with children singing (HIPPO FOR CHRISTMAS, MY TWO FRONT TEETH, etc.) is by definition, awful.
A much shorter Best List, or at least tolerable.
"LITTLE ALTER BOY" by the (don't laugh) Carpenters
It's not strictly about Christmas, but it was on one of their Christmas collections. And yes, despite her tragic end, Karen Carpenter is still the white No-Soul Simmons. All that said, this a-typical and very simple song, where she takes the role of a messed up bad girl asking for forgiveness (presumably at Chrismas) is something that is admittedly more touching than most of their commercial stuff. Plus I sympathise. She couldn't eat. I can't stop.
"A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS" Burl Ives
Okay, so it's not Simon and Garfunkel. At least it's snap happy w/o driving me crazy.
"A CHRISTMAS SONG" Mel Torme
Who could hate the 'Velvet Fog'. Again, listenable or at least ignorable. Ditto WHITE CHRISTMAS, WINTER WONDERLAND, and various others. Not so much Best, mostly under Christmas songs that don't suck.
This Season's Commercials
WORST - The new Blackberry. I haven't quite figured out what it is about this clod turning on a new BB and we hear his over-acted thoughts out loud how tremendous it is. I guess it just insults your intelligence more than most. If he was just telling someone else about it, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I dunno. But I find myself turning off the radio whenever it comes on.
Honarable mention, but it's been on for years..... "It can only be Jared". Jewelers. In which a female chorus hits a teeth clenching, ear popping, screeching note humanly impossible (except Mariah, who just MIGHT be an alien).
Thank goodness the casinos and Frisch's seem to have exhausted their ad budget this year. A thoughtful gift for all.
BEST - Again a much shorter list. Mike's Car Wash. The original snappy little tune with cute lyrics that never seems to get old for me. A painless way to extort money. Me Likey Mikey's Commercial..... I'll be okay. Two more weeks and it's OVER!